spring is hell


viktor and rolf
we like viktor & rolf
viktor and rolf
can’t go wrong with vivienne westwood, eh?

spring is hell

yellow! beige! white! grunge! goths! hookers! ankle socks with high heels! blech! gail chickfactor, the angry american, rants about the yawn-inspiring spring 2004 collections.

a shocking number of the collections seem inspired by rollerderby, michael jackson, and hookers who wear ankle socks with high heels. this makes us gag. but overwhelmingly, all the designers just can’t get enough boring whispy slip dresses in bland beige, white and yellow. yes, yellow. here in london people are already wearing yellow, can you believe it? how ghastly. here goes —

marc by marc jacobs
let’s get one thing straight. grunge does not equal sporty. marc by marc jacobs’ new 2004 line of grungewear is too sporty to ever be worn by a true cobain worshiper. it’s too chirpy and happy to ever be worn by a pot-smoking outcast. and it’s too colourful to be worn by a dumbo resident. but for fashion people, if it’s not pretty and ladylike then it must be grunge. marc’s collection is too preppy, too clean–oh for chrissake it isn’t grunge! does anyone have time to lace up a pair of high-top chuck taylors or silver doc marten boots? pas moi. his 2004 collection makes me ill. most people will look ridic in his hotpants and microminis, even sofia coppola and chloe sevigny (and marc models sonic youth). fashion continues to imitate vintage styles, but the whole point of wearing thrift stuff and vintage togs is that 1. no one else has it. and 2. it costs nothing. 3. you feel like god having discovered a unique gem that no one else in williamsburg or shoreditch will have. 4. herds of sheep won’t be wearing it the way they do a marc by marc jacobs getup. if you see someone wearing a shiny basketball tank top with a marc by marc jacobs label next spring, punch her.

even I, the angry american, have to acknowledge the genius of prada. believe me, I wish I didn’t, but oh, how they get those skirt shapes so right, those cute little jackets–I want one! I’ll wait for a knockoff thanks or wear one of the vintage ones they’re based on. with their classic, time-tested shapes, prada can even do beige (well, khaki really) without boring us to tears. the dresses, really, are just sublime. I would actually stop eating for three months so I could get one, but then, wait, I’d be dead–never mind. no, I really might want one, but then I’d be seen all over town wearing the same dress as like gwynnie or madge or someone. how embarrassing would that be? seriously, though, ms. miuccia, if you’re sending out promos, I’ll take that gold strapless number in the largest size you carry.

vivienne tam
viv went too heavy on the white and ladylike. honestly, she has some moments of art deco loveliness and a top that recalls vintage satin lingerie which you gotta love, but for the most part if you slice up a silky pillowcases or find a large scarf you too can achieve this look at home. but don’t tell them I told you to.

oh god the british fash mags cannot get enough of these two, pals with kate moss, jude law’s ex, blah de blah de blah. there’s enough beige here to bore you into a narcoleptic state. polkadots? stripes? yesterday’s news, baby.

antoni + alison
unlike ff, at least a+a appear to have some fun. they do movie star glamour, casual chica indie, eiffel tower skirts, and well shaped frocks, though sometimes veer into the terribly twee and annoying novelty. and we could do without the geometric shapes and smiley face outfits. but oh, their models’ hair looked fan-fucking-tastic.

these people have a shtick (um, argyle) and they could make fantastic things if they just stuck to it. what we’ve got here is an attempt at gatsby style that ends up looking like sheena easton heading for the tennis court. too much beige! too much white! tedious. next.

betsey johnson
hey betsey! yeah, you. that article on the internet last year about how italian homosexuals had proclaimed yellow was the new black was a joke. they didn’t mean for you to design your whole collection of french maid hooker floosie ensembles in sheer yellow! we have actual hookers on our street and even they are not as slutty as you would like us to look. your jaws-themed bikini is pretty funny though. (btw someone should get you a mirror.)

eley kishimoto
we adore this pair, who made some rad rags for uk high street shop new look this year and also dressed broadcast for vogue. their spring 2004 shtick is marimekko on acid prints; silly headwraps; sixties silhouettes; some of it is very lilly pulitzer; some is african; some is pucci-ish. we love the deco-inspired prints, the big-collared coats and jackets, and the general vibe.

yohji yamamoto
as readers of entertainment weekly love to say, “kudos” to yohji yamamoto for bringing a mostly black collection out in a season of blinding colours. his combination of flowing black muumuus and platform flipflops will send many a funeral attendee tripping into an open grave. the rest of his collection is all about see thru tops that reveal the sad excuse most skinny models have for breasts (rejoice, big gals!) and denim bell-bottoms (gag).

what not to wear
we at chickfactor would like to recommend that no one ever wear yellow. and please put away those horrible bags made by louis vuitton and takashi murakami, last year’s heinous burberry plaid. it is embarrassing how many of you use those awful things. we used to like murakami, but he is whoring his art all over the place, making luxury items with his imprint of which he should be ashamed. I am praying that my idol yoshitomo nara doesn’t end up making a gucci belt or something. and please, no more scrunchy pumps, ironic mullets, stripes and dots, pants that go in at the bottom, wrestling boots, and trucker caps. these things are deader than johnny cash.

what to wear
so what are our fashion predictions for 2004? well, while some of you trot about town dolled up like tattooed greasers and rockabilly chix (yeah, bettie page hair will be back) and you herd-followers wear your silly marc by marc jacobs so-called grunge revivalwear, we will be dressing in homage to one jane marple, whose fashions inspire the osaka gos (goths), the look we love to love. so what if we look like hundreds of japanese girls (as if we could!), it’s the look to die for. we’re talking more of a buttoned-up, emily the strange schoolgirl goth look–black jumpers and crisp white shirts, not siouxsie sioux revivalists. we shall also worship at the altars of our usual inspirations: edith head, courrèges, gilbert & george, and godard. happy dressing!