1. order him 8 CDs for a penny: how bout america’s least wanted by ugly kid joe, the dirty dancing soundtrack, the entire billy ray cyrus catalog, the best of asia, toto’s greatest hits, and some little river band discs?
2. register him for some college classes. all you need is his address and social security number. my comrade nicole once signed up her ex for fitness and weight control, remedial english, and human sexuality. haha.
3. head on down to the post office. get one of those change-of-address cards, fill it out, and have his mail sent to venezuela.
4. mail order him some holly hobbie towers or any of those fine gift items from the franklin mint. he’ll die!
5. call the electric company and have his electricity turned off. have them do it on the night he watches some lame sitcom (or the big game!) religiously.
6. watch tv. order him a kraft-matic II adjustable bed. throw in some clappers, chia pets, and freedom rock CDs while you’re at it. snap him up some of those lovely patchwork sweaters on the home shopping network. if you’re smart, you saved a receipt with his credit card number on it.
7. get yourself a copy of the underground book catalog. if you’re rich, you can buy these books: techniques of revenge, poison pen letters, your revenge is in the mail, and how to disappear. be creative!
8. place him a personal ad. try something like this: CUTE ASS pretty glam rock boy seeks big burly manly military type macho hunk for fun discreet afternoon frolic. request graphic photos and use his home address! good luck!