what you should(n’t) wear.

a few items we can tolerate this year, such as prada and vivienne westwood frocks.

the angry american on what kind of silly things you should drape your fine figure in this spring

fashion designers are so silly. if you can even be bothered to pay attention to what they’re offering every season, you will start to notice a few things. every spring there is a resurgence of: nautical; white; yellow; off-white; beige; ‘grayge’; trenchcoats; some kind of flowery things, etc. just like in the autumn you can count on some kind of tweed, plaid, shiny stuff, brown/purple/navy as the new black, and so on. we simply cannot be bothered to study every silly fashion line for spring 2008, but we can tell you the basics of what they’ve done.
-zac posen would like you to feature unbearable floatiness, which means you can be either terrifically ladylike or you can do the “rich hippie” look, which comes back most years as well.
-dries van noten is normally quite creative, but this year is a bore. I like flowers and I like pyjamas but his line is not doing it for me this year.
-ann demeulemeester favors a monochromatic…yawn. again, this lady usually has it spot-on, but this year it’s more PJs, pantalons and feathers. no thanks.
-anne valerie hash is another euro designer I keep an eye on, but this year it’s just gold, white, minidresses, knickers (american style), trousers and billowing sleeves. we’re in a recession, so even if we had the money we wouldn’t part with it for this.
-commes des garcons is extremely silly but we admire their nerve. this year it’s like easter eggs exploded all over the catwalk. bloomers, little bo peep ness, clown shoes, housecoats, and more purple and yellow than even a toddler can endure. we do fancy their coats though.
-anna sui is one whose stuff I often wish came in my size, but not this year. she has created hotpants, onesies, and frocks so short you cannot even sit down on the subway, which is just wrong. she also likes that ghastly floatiness, and she is working that see-through clothing trend that’s everywhere this season.
-luella’s spring 08 collection seems a little dated, with her anime pigtails (so 2002) over-the-top chiffon ruffles, beige, fleurs, minis and short-shorts, though we quite like the batman masks.
-another usually on-target dude is hussein chalayan, who this year makes trenches, white, beige, grayge, monochrome, and those horrible floaty pyjamas that they all seem to want to see you in.
-we have to say no to the yohji yamamoto jumpsuit (you’re swimming in it), though it’s perfect for members of the thompson twins who may be on the reunion circuit this summer.
-viktor & rolf seem to have a lot of fun with fashion, and for that we admire them. however, we cannot advocate this year’s poufy buffoonery they are hoping to see women dolled up in: harlequin prints, pierrot shapes, all white pantsuits, shapeless ruffled frocks, balloon trousers and their signature tuxes.
-the outrageously revered marc jacobs offers up some see through clothes, giant floral muumuus and black lace on which we shall have to pass.
-the usually reliable miu miu has chosen to show an abhorrent selection of little red riding hood style, hotpants, microminis, frothy tutus (better than muumuus), harlequin 80s dresses, wedding cake chiffon — and wonderful see-through clothing for size 0 high-class hookers.
-and lastly ms miuccia prada, who we so often count on for some sensible style, has a mixed bag of adorable loungewear, tweedy knits, checks, and various outfits that only serve to accentuate the no-bust modelinas.

and now, here is what we think you *should* be wearing…
1. as tempting as it may be to head down to target for the new jovovich-hawk line or head over to H&M for some marimekko designs, just say no. it has never been more important to avoid shopping at sweat-shop using super-chains. in fact, you should avoid buying anything from china altogether, because chances are the dye will make you wheeze and all the items will be recalled anyway. so our advice is: go to etsy, go to craft fairs where nice girls knit scarves all day just for you, go somewhere and try to avoid buying lame-o big-chain bargains that you are going to see on everyone, everywhere, anyway. better yet, get a sewing machine and start rocking your own styles. go to vintage stores and use up all the clothing that’s already there. customize what you already have. be responsible!
2. one fashion magazine pointed out some ‘trends’ for spring 08 such as: bikes, chopped short hair, DIY, documentaries, music, nature, surrealism, wellies, and the olympics. but in truth these things are not trends, they are always cool.
3. now that we have wardrobes full of swing coats, giant buttons, smocks, frocks and tunics, these items are apparently out of fashion. well, yay-hey! now I get to wear these awesome items that never should have gone away to begin with, and I will be the only one. (though I’m guessing everyone else will have trouble parting with them too, after so many years of low-rise trousers mixed with too-short tops).
4. never leave the house without a great canvas or other shopping bag.
5. wear ballet slippers and black drainpipes and headbands.
6. wear anything but what they tell you to wear, and grow your own style. (sorry, cf reader, you already do that or you wouldn’t be reading this). happy spring…..