matt shinkansen: can I do off-stage, and have People Who Sit On The Floor At Gigs? and that whole hippy-dippy folk-rock snuggling up to prog-rock on a post-rock beanbag attitude -- it should be stamped on now. before they stand up.

james versus: pale saints had the nerve to play without ian masters. what's worse is that the new bassist sang one of his songs and changed the lyrics to "better than the way it was before." appalling.

frances cannanes: cannanes show in london -- and performers who tell their audience to be quiet.

ron sexsmith: kenny aranoff drumming for john fogerty.

amy the aislers set: the spinning drum-cage-solo contraption at a golden earring concert.

james dump: that's why i never go out.

nick "momus" currie: the japanese artist hiroshi sunairi totally upstaged me during a portrait by stripping.

david cinerama: prince.

claudia the magnetic fields: when the soundman at the casbah in san diego threw a mikestand over sam and his cello, practically braining sam.

john true love always: the frogs, pittsburgh PA october 1999. singing their horrible songs, with their costumes, and then singling out an audience member and forcing him to come onto the stage and buy one of their records. they are near the bottom of the food chain.

cathy marine research: the scarily-long-haired girl out of sick and wrong miming fellatio with a big strap-on at the capitol theatre in olympia, while their bass player salivated and sweated in the background -- (I think the band were the downside of a deal, the upside of which was the PA).

stuart moxham: I've been hysterical onstage in several major european cities; throwing guitars down, etc.

mark the clientele: I played a gig many years ago with a guitarist who managed to break a string on the very first chord of the first song. he then casually turned round and walked off stage.

joe pines/foxgloves: I'm afraid I've participated in a few sonic atrocities: fire-alarm feedback, strings drifting out to chaos, leads suddenly unplugged.

innes relict: you've witnessed my guitar playing.

david huon/driving past: everything is always an atrocity everywhere.

jim and ben jesus and mary chain: the jesus & mary chain.

ira yo la tengo: robert mason and stardrive (you remember them, of course) were opening for jefferson starship at radio city music hall -- a magic night. in what appeared at first to be part of the show, a fellow ran on stage and tackled robert mason, leaving his home-made synthesizers in shambles. robert mason is led off the stage, rhythm section is lowered from view by hydraulic radio city stage. crowd goes nuts.

mary timony: a "trip hop" atrocity we got booked with in detroit. they had a singer that sounded like a really bad mariah carrie, and in between songs they would say things likeŠ "hi, we're -- we are a crazy mix of a lot of stuff, jazz, rock, hip-hop. hope you enjoy..."

andrew beaujon: once in richmond, my roommate worked at a bakery with a woman who was a devoted stevie nicks fan and had as a result spent many of her adult years alone. she wasn't unattractive, and she was one of the nicest people I knew down there, but it's important to the story that she was a bit bigger than your average person. so this budding stand-up comedian asked her out, to a comedy club where he'd be performing, and since she'd had little experience in socializing with people who weren't trading set lists or blow stories, she asked if we'd come along. we got there, met the guy, had dinner, and then he left to get ready for his show. he came out and did five minutes of "fat girl" jokes while we sat there, mouths absolutely agape. when he came back out, he said, "you know, I think I made a real mistake there. I opened with my strongest material."

ld flare: a band in d.c. that had seven guitarists, a drummer and no singer. that's bad enough, but to make it even worse, they all played really well and were perfectly in tune! how boring is that?

james the clientele: I regularly try to electrocute the clientele on stage by spilling drinks on our equipment with the vibrations from my bass. so far we've all survived...

connie the pacific ocean: salmon skin shows and I mean that in the best, best, best way possible. I wear their t-shirt with pride.

sam quasi: a lame band is the worst possible onstage atrocity. blood, nudity, etc doesn't bother me. once some canadian industrial band was showing old porno farmer bestiality films during their set, which made me a little uncomfortable, but it was only a film.

jonathan lambchop: some drunk guy threw up onstage next to our steel guitar player paul's foot at the paradiso in amsterdam. but that wasn't really such an atrocity -- no more so than sitting through the panther burns' set right after that.

chris future bible heroes: spandau ballet.

louis philippe: seeing the flaming lips making right arses of themselves with a theremin at a "later with jools" recording. yes, I was there, but wish I hadn't. other atrocities include performing many times without soundcheck/monitors, but cruelty to animals (since it is what we musicians are in the eyes of some promoters) seem to be perfectly acceptable in britain.

jeff aden: the frogs again! their lead singer pulled the most absurd merchandise move I've ever seen. after one of their songs, he belts out, "are you all enjoying the show? are you gonna buy some cds?" the fans all cheer in approval, and the singer singles out one of them: "you in the blue shirt!! which one of our cds do you want!!" since the poor kid obviously has no clue what the hell is going on, he sort of mumbles, "uhhh, the newest one." so immediately the frogs guy goes and gets the cd and says into the P.A. "here's your cd, come buy it right now." the kid has to walk up to the stage and pay for this cd he obviously doesn't want. then the frogs continued playing their shitty music. it was the hardest sell I've ever seen at a rock show.

tim departure lounge: zztop.

sasha ui: it's old and obvious, but grandmaster flash and the furious five being booed off-stage when opening for the clash in 1981 at bond's. since then, it's been peaches and cream.

kendall "mascott" meade: when playing with the spinanes, some frighteningly drunk guy stole my maracas off my keyboard and started dancing around with them. I grabbed them out of his hand and gave him a dirty look but that only made it worse b/c then he grabbed my bass case and ran across the stage. they had to kick him out of the club!

john phosphene/electroscope: manyŠusually crap bands who don't deserve a mention here!

elisabeth solex: that geert got electrocuted during our soundcheck in las palmas. a band that didn't need crappy electricity in order to look awful on stage was rush in 1994. CF